Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Epiphany in Egypt

Staying put in a place like Cairo where I don't have any "normal" distractions like work has given me time to do some reflection and actually "see" some things I haven't noticed before when I was at home.

Take, for example, the following: After a day of complaining about gaining weight on this trip (which I have no way of knowing, there being no scale), Froody and I went out to dinner and I made what I thought were good food choices: fried zucchini, chicken soup, small ceasar salad. I got a bowl of cream of chicken soup (really full of flour; couldn't finish it), a salad with bits of chicken and a mustard dressing, and zucchini in some sort of pancake-like batter, fried. :-( I was full afterwards but really unsatisfied. We spent some time at an internet cafe and then I stopped at a McD's in order to get me a cheese burger and put that bad dinner behind me. At home I realized that A)I wasn't happy with my weight or body, yet B)here I was eating a cheese burger! It just didn't make any sense!! Froody said he kinda saw that, but didn't say anything (bless him for that). It was the first time I saw how one part of me says one thing, but another part does something totally opposite, like I'm going behind my own back. Does that make sense to you out there? I feel that now I'm aware of this, I can try to make sure all of me is on the same healthy-living page.

Last night I had another "awakening". It went something like this:
The other day I chatted with my aunt online for a bit, which we both liked, and she said to me that it looked like I'd lost some weight in some of my pictures. Oh, how I hoped it was true! The difficult part came afterwards, trying not to eat more just because someone told me I looked a bit thinner. I don't know why I would do that, "Oh, look, I lost some weight! That means I can eat more! Because I'm ....." I'm what? Wasting away?

OK-here comes the internal soul-searching- Does some part of me not want to be at a healthy weight? Is it afraid of success? Or maybe I'm afraid of failure? that once I reach my ultimate goal I'll blow it, or I'm not worthy of being fit and trim? Because I have always been fat and will always be fat. I don't deserve the love of my husband, I don't deserve tobe on this trip, I don't deserve to have a good time, I don't deserve nice clothes nor do I deserve to look attractive. Why not? Because I'm fat. Is it a vicious cycle I can't or won't break?

Man, after writing all that down in my journal last night, I felt soooo much better, like I could finally breathe. I've always listened to Betty say stuff about self-sabotage, love yourself for who you are, be a conscious eater, etc. but I always thought it didn't apply to me because I had already lost 60lbs. But now I see that I haven't "finished" or reached my ultimate goal on purpose. What she says is true: I am whatever I make myself to be.

So after all this I feel that I can really love myself now. In fact, I made a whole list of things I like about myself (so I deserve to love myself) afterwards and, you know what?, I think you should make this list too, because we always focus on the parts of us we need to fix. As a WeightWatcher, it's just too easy to do so.

I only wish I could share this with Betty and Susan and the whole Sunday crew!

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