Sunday, April 18, 2004

Lesson Learned: Sometimes the scale isn't as scary as you might think.

Well, tomorrow I go back to school. All I can say is "BLEH." I don't want to go back! It is so nice doing nothing. But I will admit that part of me is looking forward to my usual routine: getting up, school, eating, exercising, friends, etc. And there are a few kids I do miss (don't let them know I said that!) and I do like teaching....when they are being good. My plan is to do a little ice breaker, take it slow and easy. I have the next 2 weeks sketched out for my 7th graders. I'm not sure what I'm doing with the 8th graders. *$hit* I just realized something....

...Ok, I'm supposed to be reflecting and analyzing my teaching and looking for areas of improvement and working on long-term plans my areas of growth. So, before the break I sat down with my BTSA support provider and we came up with a plan that includes portfolios, communicating the state science standards, and differentiated teaching. With me so far?? Anyway, I did all this stuff for MY 7TH GRADE CLASS, WHICH SHE DOESN'T OBSERVE! SHE NEEDS TO SEE ME DO THIS STUFF IN MY PERIOD 5 CLASS, WHICH IS MY 8TH GRADE CLASS! BLEH BLEH BLEH!! I guess I can whip up something similar tomorrow. I have a whole 2 hours with which to grade papers and plan out a unit's worth of curricula (*sniff* can you smell the sarcasm?).

Anyway, this will be a lesson in creativity. Yeah, that's it....it's a challenge to overcome, not just another brick on the camel's back.

I did want to share something with you all. This week I began organizing my housework . I figured I needed a program that showed me how to eat and lose weight, so maybe I could use a program to help me get the aptartment a little more organized. Someone on my yahoo group introduced us to FlyLady [for some reason, my hyperlink is not functioning. The site is http//www.flylady.net]. I've only been a Flybaby (her term, not mine) for a few days, but Tim said he noticed that the place does look better. That really made me feel good. I guess the lesson I really learned from all this is that deep down I am a perfectionist, and my perfectionism keeps me from trying because I feel that if I can't do it 150% right, then I don't want to do it at all. I think that attitude affected my weight gain by increasing my stress levels--I'd see all this work I want to or feel obligated to do right and would stress out, because I couldn't get it done on time or perfectly, so I'd eat. It definately affects me as a teacher. My self-esteem is particularly fragile right now because I don't feel like I'm doing the best job as a teacher. It's like my best isn't good enough for me, so I get stressed out and feel real low, so I eat (or want to eat) to feel better. Then I come home to a messy house and I feel more stress because my home is bleh, my classroom is bleh, so I feel bleh. The point is, I never saw myself as a perfectionist, but it does make sense. I do expect perfection from myself, but am very forgiving and supportive of everyone around me if they aren't perfect. Why can't I give myself the same allowances? I don't know. This is going to take a lot of self-reflection and positive self-talk, starting right now. I am a good person. My home isn't a showplace, it is somewhere I keep my stuff, where I relax with my fiance, where friends come over, etc. My teaching is good enough. That's all it has to be right now. How can I have all the answers to my classroom questions when I've only been teaching junior high for 4 months? I wouldn't expect anyone else to be an expert at what they did after only 4 months, so why should I be?
To quote, "I'M GOOD ENOUGH. I'M SMART ENOUGH. AND, DOGGONE IT, PEOPLE LIKE ME!"

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