Tuesday, January 22, 2008

In a fog? In a cave? In a shaft?

Ever since that incident at school my mojo has left me. I was a fabulous teacher and looked forward to inspiring my students.

Now I find that I just want to make it through the day, go home, and go to bed. :-( It's very difficult for me to care enough to grade papers, make lesson plans, and even enforce my own class rules. I just don't have the energy for it and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Yes, I said it. I am not happy with my performance/attitude whatever you want to call it. I'm looking forward to the end of June and not teaching for a year at least. Am I even a decent teacher anymore? I just don't know. I'm on auto-pilot, coasting, hoping I make it to the end.

It's not me and not how I want to do my job, but there is so much hurt and inertia I need to overcome and I don't have the stomach for it.....yet? ever?

I'm just floating around blindly, hoping that the fall won't kill me, that a door or window will open and light will pour in and show me something to make me feel that it is still worth it.

There is a little voice inside my head telling me that all I need to do is reach out, that I can stop myself anytime I'm ready, and that I am the one who can open the door. But until I can find the key and the will to use it, I'm going to keep wandering around in the dark.

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