Monday, June 23, 2008

Not Worthy

I was wondering why the thought of meeting new people and striking up conversations with total strangers was bringing me down. Is it low self-esteem? I do think that I'm not very interesting and wonder who would want to get to know me on this trip?

Then I think that I'm selling myself short. During my childhood I was an A student with a sense of humor and a little shy. My grandfather would be happy with my grades, then immediately would berate me for my shortcomings: being fat and not speaking Spanish. He seemed to really focus on these two flaws. It made me think that even if I'm great at some things I cannot really be a worthwhile person when I have such defects.

*Whew* OK, that took a lotta guts on my part to tell you about this. I have been working on loving and understanding myself. I have much more confidence in myself than when I was in high school and college. Being a new situation brings up all these not-so-old feelings along with some normal anxiety.

I have to remind myself that I am a good person and worthy of all the good things that take place in my life.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Can't Sleep

I am creating a picture
at 4:19 AM.
The sky is black
The rooms are in shadows
The freeway is quiet.

There are a few lights
on the corners
of the buildings and the streets.

Everything is where I left it
Dirty dishes
Extra chairs
Unfinished knitting
My husband in bed.

And I am awake.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Skoolz out 4 Summah!

Soooo glad that school is out! Now I can focus on health- mental and physical. I'm resting a bit this week since next week I begin the packing up of the apartment.

Many people are surprised when they see how unexcited I am about this trip. I say it's because before I can leave I need to take care of the apt, and that is where my focus is right now.