Sunday, February 03, 2008

Unfairness and the Voices in My Head

OK. Ever since the beginning of the New Year I've been eating very healthily. Better than ever, really. No frozen foods, NO SODA thank-you-very-much, more water, etc., yet the opposite has been happening.

I've gained weight!!! I gained 1.6 lbs this January. I've gained 5.6 lbs since September. What is going on here? It is so unfair! I'm eating right, exercising, but the pounds are creeping. I normally stay about the same weight during the school year, but not this year. My husband tells me that the important thing is that I'm being healthy and that I've gotten much stronger in the same amount of time. My outer-self knows this, but my inner-self can't or doesn't want to listen to this. It wants to lose weight. It would've been much happier if I had stayed at my September weight.

This is all coming on because I gained another pound at weigh-in this morning. We even fasted last night! It took all my will-power to workout when I got home instead of sitting on the futon feeling sorry for myself. It's still taking a lot of energy to continue making good food choices. My inner-self so wants to give up, stop exercising, and just eat whatever. And go back for more.

I had a little cry in Tim's arms before working out. My outer-self is glad I worked out and Tim even said I'm noticeably stronger than last month. But my inner-self could care less. All it cares about is the number on the scale and the size of my hips and waist (which have gone up this year. bleh). It thinks life is unfair. Tim and I have very similar eating habits yet he's gotten more lean and muscley and I've gotten fatter. My inner-self is having very choice words and not-so-flattering language with me. My outer-self is trying to stay positive and focus on the good I'm doing but not as loudly as my inner-self's negativity.

I don't know what the the heck to do with my selves.

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